By now everyone knows that the world is supposed to be ending today, bummer. Its on billboards, in the paper and all over the news. I just checked and someone won $35 million last night on LottoMax. Boy wouldn't that be a kick in the groin, becoming a millionaire and then having the world end before you could even cash in.
I realize many people are busy getting ready for doom and destruction so let me be the first to tell everyone to relax, the world will not end today. Nobody is getting beamed up to heaven, and there's not going to be a massive earthquake for those of us left behind to contend with.
If you're cleaning the house so it'll look good when Jebus pops in, chill.
Why am I so sure? Divine revelation my friends, well, that isn't quite true. I couldn't get hold of the Supreme being but I did contact heaven's press secretary. What was revealed was more like a press release than a burning bush. Here's what it said.
"It has been widely reported that God has ordained May 21, 2011 as the end of times. Please be advised there are no events scheduled for that day. God does not in fact own a calendar, thus any attempt to pinpoint a date is pointless at best. There are currently no plans to end the world, however God does reserve the right to rain down hell fire at some future date if so desired. Please refrain from inundating our offices with further requests for end time information. If a decision is made to terminate human existence God will notify followers via twitter"
So relax everyone and enjoy the fireworks tomorrow.
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