Divorce and Dating For the Over 40 Set

Dating in your forties can be so much fun, instead of worrying that the hair on my head is neat and tidy...I'm more concerned with trimming the hair in my nose and ears. I posted my thoughts on Facebook a while back, before I'd started this blog...about the joys of dating in your forties, so I figured why not post them here.

By no means do I consider myself to be an archetype, after all everyone's situation is different. Obviously there are a myriad of life experiences that those of us in and around 40 have that those younger wouldn't understand. Being around 40 puts me in an interesting nexus. Some in this age range have young children, while others might be grandparents already.

Given our modern age 'Internet dating' is very popular with plenty of choice when it comes to sites that all claim to be the latest thing is ensuring that you'll meet the man or woman of your dreams. Almost all are 'free' when it comes to posting your availability, but if you actually wish to contact someone...well then there's usually a cost involved. One site charges nothing however, plentyoffish.com and its very popular. I've spoken to some women though who prefer what I'll call 'premium sites', the thought being that they attract higher quality men, ones who are actually willing to pay to talk to them. Some might take that as a commentary on the women themselves who prefer those type of 'pay' sites, but I'll leave it for each individual to decide.

A relatively common thread I've found amongst both men and women, particularly those of us who've found out our long term partners were cheating on us, is something I call 'revenge dating'. We might fool ourselves into thinking we're looking for a relationship, but in point of fact we're simply out to prove ourselves capable of still attracting and bedding a member of the opposite sex, or same sex if that happens to be one's preference. As a general rule I think it wise for those looking for something long term to avoid those who have recently ended a long term relationship... meaningful connections are not something that happen overnight.

As for other 'general rules' or guidelines...well there seem to be as many as there are individuals. I think women, being the more cerebral of the sexes, tend to have more rules. Among some that I've heard:

• I'll never date a Scorpio/Leo/Aries/Pisces...(the sign of the ex)

• I'll never date a "Bob"...(name of the ex)

• Nobody in sales (job of the ex)

I think you get the idea. Men on the other hand, I think we have far fewer rules....our goals are much simpler. Finding a woman who can tolerate us, and one who will go to bed with us at least occasionally. I recall an episode of the TV show Frasier in which Daphne tells Frasier that its not just women who use sex to get what they want, that men as well will use sex to get what they desire...to which Frasier excitedly replies.

"Don't be ridiculous, how can men use sex to get what we want??? SEX IS WHAT WE WANT"!!!

Dating in your 20s or even 30s though...is far different from being 40ish. When you're 20/30, for the most part, time seems to be on your side. If you're 25 and look down the road 20 years...you're looking at 45, which many still consider to be 'prime time'...(damn I love putting words in 'quotes'). At 42, in another 20 years I'll be 62...thinking about things like my Canada Pension and strategies for keeping regular.

I think those of us in and around this age bracket, that's there's a tendency to want to find short cuts. Strategies and questions designed to quickly weed out those who won't be a 'good fit'. With so many of us from broken marriages and relationships wanting that ultimate life partner...and with time seemingly at a premium, we're hoping to stumble up a magic formula for sifting through the dating pool. Again I find women are far more into this method, with a wide variety of 'rules' they've designed to help them zone in on that magic individual who will make them happy the rest of their lives. Guys? I don't think our expectations are that high, we're not looking for relationship Nirvana....its more a case of looking to avoid relationship hell.

A common thread seems to be 'the spark'. I've heard many times, "there has to be an initial attraction...a spark". For my own part I consider that to be very teenage thinking...that 'spark' is something called lust in my opinion, and its influenced by a host of random factors, not the least of which is how horny we are at the time of meeting.

Another frequent bromide is "he/she has to be into me". I've developed my own strategy when encountering this rule....RUN!!! I might be generalizing, but someone who wants me to be totally INTO them, they might just be a tad too needy.

In writing something like this....once you start its hard to sum everything up and tie it all up with a nice bow. And that's probably as it should be. As human beings we all prefer order to chaos, but anyone who says life is simple is either simple themselves or is residing in a mental facility.

At the end of the day I think the ultimate relationship involves 2 people who love and respect each other. Two people who have many common interests, but also areas of interest which are their's alone. And if they're lucky they'll be able to ride out the curve balls life inevitably throws at them, if not they can go back up to the plate hoping this time they'll get a pitch they can handle.

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Recession Takes A Toll On Marriages Too

Normally I have no problem deciding on a topic to blog on, there's usually so much to choose from. Politics, the economy, hot button issues like abortion...often I find myself having to choose just one because I don't want to do four posts in one 24 hour period. Such hasn't been the case the past few days, I've been wanting to write about divorce...and sometimes when an idea takes hold its hard to let go of it.

The difficulty though is this issue hits close to home. Like roughly fifty per cent of Canadians who get married, I am divorced. Marriage breakdowns have a myriad of causes, but often the underlying reason is one of simple economics. Money has a way of making small things big, or big things small. I think in general its easier for a couple to look past each other's obvious imperfections when things are going well. Conversely, when money is tight...small issues take on greater significance. I forget who said it, but an apt quote I recall is: "I've been rich and I've been poor...rich is better".

With the economy in deep recession, and with no end in sight...it stands to reason that the strain of money worries will probably lead many to contemplate life without their partners. If you're looking for a prime example of the cure being worse than the disease, divorce fits the bill to a T. If people think divorce will solve their money problems they're dreaming. Divorce is probably the single greatest threat to net worth, with the ability to destroy even the most carefully laid out financial plans.

As human beings we are born to couple. Most people who divorce eventually remarry, often more than once. According to government data almost 50% of first marriages fail, and 75% of second marriages. For those taking a third kick at the quest for marital bliss, the failure rate climbs all the way to 85% (Statistics Here)

There's one thing I want to make perfectly clear here, I'm not talking about situations where there is abuse. No person, and its overwhelmingly the woman in the relationship who suffers abuse, should have to put up with any threats to their own well being, or that of their children. Ironically, and sadly, women who are abused often stay with their partners. Abusers so diminish a woman's self-esteem that she feels trapped, and stays in the marriage because she's convinced she doesn't deserve better.

But in a lot of cases I think our high divorce rate is due to an inability or a lack of willingness to put up with discomfort. In our society we're conditioned to believe that we should be happy all the time...well, maybe not "all" the time...but periods of pain and discomfort should be short and sweet. Feeling hungry but don't want to cook? No problem, call this number and they'll have food at your door in 30 minutes or its free. Half an hour too long? Then zap this package in your microwave and you can have a hot meal in less than 5 minutes. Feeling depressed, here's a pill, can't sleep...here's another pill. Having trouble getting Mr. Happy to stand at attention big guy...no worries, there's a pill for that too.

Any couple that's gotten past the honeymoon period knows, that when it comes to marriage....there is often pain and discomfort. Everyone knows another couple who has the perfect marriage, they're the pair that always agree with each other and they never utter a harsh word. Of course they don't have the perfect marriage, they're just better actors than most. Obviously some unions are stronger than others, but I have yet to meet a couple who can honestly admit they never fight.

It would be nice to think that times of stress would bring a man and woman closer together, and in some cases it does. But when the problems centre around money, often feelings of anger and resentment get buried...and manifest themselves in other ways. Communication breaks down and instead of being man and wife, partners become more like room mates.

Especially heart breaking is when divorce involves children. Back in the 1960s and earlier, when divorces were much rarer, the popular wisdom was that 'staying together for the kids' was actually doing them more harm than good. That was before divorce rates skyrocketed, giving us statistics which show how damaging divorce can be to children.

Before any decisions are made, and while the lines of communication are still open...even if they're strained...I strongly recommend seeking out counselling. Many churches offer it, as well as various social agencies. And don't be concerned with the costs involved, at the end of the day its far cheaper than living in separate households to say nothing of legal and other associated expenses.

*** Hope you like the new template, I was never really happy with the old one. And I'm still tweeting a way on Twitter, so if you want to follow me and this blog feel free to add CanukGord.

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Harper Winning The Chess Match Versus Iggy

Anyone who reads this blog regularly knows I have no affection for Prime Minister Stephen Harper whatsoever. With that being said, balanced commentary demands that one look past personal biases when taking stock of a situation. While bloggers tend to be very partisan in nature, most Canadians are not. I know there are some voters who will cast their franchise with the same party every election, regardless of the leader or political climate...but I've never been one to marry a single party. I've voted Liberal, Conservative and NDP in various elections over the past 20 plus years.

So...taking a step back from my own personal views, its hard to avoid the conclusion that Harper is besting Iggy right now in the political arena.

I've been waiting anxiously to see Ignatieff 'grow a pair' during his sparring with the Prime Minister. But every time his cajones seem to be swelling, they quickly shrink back to a pair of ball bearings. Ignatieff started off well after assuming the leadership, galvanizing his support within the party, and with chief rival Bob Rae providing a strong endorsement. Since then there's been a series of missteps, nothing catastrophic....but cumulatively they're beginning to add up.

It all started with the budget. Ignatieff initially said he would not be providing any input. He wisely insisted it was the job of the governing party to outline the direction, and that the Liberals would respond. This was a good move, because in a severe recession it wouldn't matter what initiatives were taken, there was still going to be plenty of pain to go around. But then surprisingly Iggy changed course and outlined several areas he said needed to be addressed. Harper and the Conservatives wisely included measures to assuage Ignatieff's concerns, thus undercutting the credibility of any future criticism.

Next came the $3 billion left over from the previous budget year. Ignatieff threatened to bring the government down if they didn't provide details as to how the money was to be spent. Calling the $3 billion a 'slush fund', the Liberal leader said his party would not issue the Conservatives a blank cheque....But again, Iggy backed down and let the Tories have their way, allowing them to spend first and provide details later.

Now its the gun registry. Harper is signalling that the Conservatives will introduce legislation to eliminate the controversial program. Ignatieff is once again sticking out his horns and threatening to defeat the government. On its own this wouldn't be a confidence vote, so the fate of the government doesn't necessarily hang in the balance. But if Harper wants to engage in yet more gamesmanship...it could. The Prime Minister could declare it a confidence motion, or conversely he could wrap in some budgetary measures making the matter of confidence automatic. Either way the potential for a snap election exists if the Conservatives use it as a matter of confidence and Iggy sticks to his guns.

The Conservatives have been in election mode for sometime now, with the Liberals just starting to catch up. Harper is making good use of events like the G-20 summit and his meeting with President Obama. While those who would never vote for Harper in any case bristled at his Fox News appearance, the fact is the Prime Minister looked good handling softball questions from the decidedly conservative network.

Ignatieff and the Liberals need to be very cautious about bringing the government down. Taking the bait on something as pithy as the gun registry could spell electoral disaster. Political junkies aside, Canadians are sick of voting in federal elections. With the economy in free fall we want our elected officials dealing with this crisis. Political games can come later.

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Give Me Your Thoughts On Obama - In Six Words

I've just put up April's polling question, asking readers how Barack Obama is measuring up to their expectations. I'd also like to generate some feedback via the comment section, but I've decided to throw in a small twist. I'm asking those who post a comment here, to use exactly six words in describing their thoughts on the new U.S. president.

I'd love to take credit for this idea, asking people to post their thoughts using just six words, but actually I've borrowed it from "Six Word Memoirs". That's a site that asks people to tell the world their story, in just six words. Some of them are hilarious, like this one:

"Mother in law joined Facebook...F##K"!!!

I'll start the ball rolling by posting my six word assessment first:

"Elected president, now a car salesman".

Yeah I know, its pretty lame. I'm betting there are readers and other bloggers out there who will top it no problem: No limitations, I don't censor and if you think of more than one feel free to comment away as often as you want.

If you use Twitter and want to follow me I'm CanukGord.

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