Tuesday, March 12, 2013

When I am elected Pope‏

With the Cardinals now in Conclave, (I thought St. Louis had their spring training in Florida) I figured it would be a good idea to outline the initiatives I will enact when I become Pope. Yes, I know I'm not Roman Catholic and my election will represent something of a miracle. But then aren't miracles what churches are supposed to be about?

Rome needs someone to lead, well Gordie is the man you need representing God. I will help the Vatican deal with many of the thorny issues it is now confronting.

Sexual abuse
Under my Papacy all those who bring forward allegations of abuse against RC priests will receive financial compensation. In fact I will take whatever amount is asked for and triple it. Some might scoff and claim this initiative will lead to bogus claims of abuse, and it probably will. But there was this guy a few years back who said something about giving to everyone who asks and to walk three miles when asked to go one. I think his name was Jesus. Will this bankrupt the church? Quite likely, and that brings me to the second plank in my Papal platform.

Cleaning up corruption
As everyone knows, money is always at the root of corruption scandals, even in churches. Get rid of the money and there's no incentive to engage in nefarious scheming. Emptying the coffers and selling off buildings, real estate, relics and anything else of value to compensate for priests who sexually abused children will mean there is precious little do ré mi left.

Back when the Bible was being written a prohibition on homosexuality made sense. God's directive back in ancient times was to be fruitful and multiply, which is hard to do for a species such as ours if those being fruitful are doing it in a, errr...fruity way. Now however there is no such imperative, and let's face it, in the animal kingdom God created, homosexuality is rampant. Even with Pitt Bulls: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/gay-pitbull-saved-death-article-1.1252264.

God is supposed to be forgiving, and all those priests tossed in jail for molesting boys shouldn't have their punishment compounded by having certain leisure time activities behind bars labelled as sinful. And if a prison romance turns serious, shucks, I'll let 'em get married.

Birth Control
As noted previously, the be fruitful and multiply directive came out when the Earth's population numbered just two, Adam and Eve. Under my leadership the Holy See will declare 'Mission Accomplished' on this whole multiplying idea. At seven billion or so I think we've overachieved on God's plan, so condoms and birth control pills for all. Sorry but I don't know how to pilot a fighter jet, so I won't be able to do the GW Bush thing and land on an aircraft carrier to make this announcement. Instead well hang a vertical 'Mission Accomplished' banner from the obelisk in St. Peter's square, a fitting gesture given that its a phallic symbol after all.

So there ya have it boys, the new and improved Roman Catholic Church as led by Pope Gordie. I'll resign once the church is broke, provided you agree to replace me with a woman.

Shouldn't take more than a year or two.

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